Getting-to-know-you questions for couples

There’s a point, a few dates in or a few years in, where you know someone’s habits but not their history. You know how they take their coffee, but not who taught them to make it. You know they hate being late, but not why.

Curious, the second level of Kindling, is written for that gap. Its questions ask about the stories, values and small moments behind the person in front of you. Here they all are, with advice on getting the most out of them.

Why stories beat facts

“Where did you grow up?” gets you a place name. “What’s a small, happy memory from when you were a kid that you still think about?” gets you a scene: a kitchen, a summer, a person, and a reason it stuck. Most of the questions below ask for a story rather than a fact, because stories are how people show you what matters to them without having to announce it.

They also mix light and heavy on purpose. A question about whether you’re an introvert, an extrovert, or “depends on the snacks” sits next to one about something you used to believe and have changed your mind on. That mix keeps the evening feeling like a conversation and not a seminar.

The one rule: ask one follow-up

Kindling’s tip for this level is simple: ask one follow-up question before you move on. It’s the single habit that turns a list of questions into a real conversation, and it tells the other person you were actually listening.

Good follow-ups are short and open:

• “What was that like?”
• “Who else was there?”
• “Do you still feel that way?”
• “What would you tell your younger self about it?”

Bad follow-ups are judgments wearing a question mark, like “Why would you do that?” or “Isn’t that a bit weird?” If you catch yourself about to argue with someone’s memory, ask another question instead.

Pace yourselves

Questions about childhood and family land differently for different people. A happy memory for one person brings a hard one to mind for another. Watch how an answer comes out, not just what it says. If someone keeps it short, let it be short. They’re far more likely to open up another time if this time felt safe.

If family is a tender subject for either of you, skip those questions. In the game you can switch family questions off before you start, so they never come up.

Listening is the other half

These questions only work if the answers are treated as gifts rather than data. Put your phone down, unless you’re using it to play. Look at the person while they talk. Resist topping their story with a better one of your own.

Then remember one detail and bring it back later in the evening. Few things make someone feel heard like “Wait, is that the same aunt who taught you to drive?”

When you think you already know

If you’ve been together a while, it’s tempting to skip questions you think you know the answer to. Ask them anyway. People change, and the person who answered “When do you feel most like yourself?” five years ago may not be the one sitting next to you now. Listen for what’s different.

Then try it the other way round: guess their answer before they give it, and say your guess out loud. Getting it wrong is half the fun, and getting it right is a quiet compliment.

Ways to use this list

• Over dinner. Pick three before you sit down, and save the rest for another night.
• On a long drive. The passenger reads; the driver answers first.
• As a game. Take turns on one phone in Kindling, and let the cards decide what comes next.

The Curious questions

When you’re ready for more

Once you know each other’s stories, things tend to get a little warmer. The next level, Flirty, is about attraction, compliments and a little tension. See our flirty questions for couples.